Inspirational Stories

The Love and Compassion that Hospice Provides

A proud and dignified 72-year-old man, Raupene Pouata was diagnosed with cancer in March 2003. His step-daughter, Linda, talks about his journey with a terminal illness in the final days before his death.

'My step-dad is from the Ngapuhi tribe. He's been my step-dad since I was around six years old and he's lived with me ever since I was about 21 years old. We are very close. I'm the one he relies on and he chose to live with me when he and Mum broke up. I'm half Jewish and in a lot of ways our lives and beliefs are similar to the Maori way. We very much believe in looking after our own.'

'My father retired late in life, when he was 69 years old. He enjoyed working. He is that type of person. He doesn't believe in welfare. He is very proud, very Victorian.'

After Raupene retired he started having health problems. At first the family thought he needed a hip replacement and then the doctors suspected diabetes. The final diagnosis was devastating. Raupene had stomach cancer and secondary cancer in his lungs.

'It has been hard watching him lose body weight and seeing him in pain,' said Linda. 'He's got a big tumour that is hitting vital organs in his stomach and it is a very awkward cancer to treat for pain. It's also upset all the muscles in his legs. It's been a slow decline and there is nothing new and marvellous that will cure him.'

Linda believes the public hospital system is ill-equipped to deal with the needs of terminally ill patients and their families.

'I had lots of arguments in the public health system about the way they care for patients. The public health system is geared for healing and operating, but there is nothing there for someone who is terminally ill. It's very sad. My best friend told me about the hospice as she'd been through it with her mum. I thank her for that because I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful place.'

Initially Linda was sceptical of the hospice, however.

'I thought here we go again! It'll be some bureaucratic system that is going to tell me what I should be doing with my father, without understanding my family's situation and what we want for our dad. I thought how many arguments am I going to have with doctors now? How many arguments am I going to have with nurses who are culturally insensitive?'

Linda was delighted to discover the hospice was the antithesis of her worst fears. 'I felt the love and the compassion as soon as I walked in here,' she said.

Her father took longer to convince, however. 'The first day my father walked in here, he said, "What did you bring me down to a bloody motel for?" He stayed the night and then insisted on going home. He didn't realise that I need a bit of time out. I thought that was it, he wouldn't be allowed back into hospice. He'd blown it himself, the stubborn old so and so. But the hospice was wonderful about it.'

Back at home his condition deteriorated and he had to go back into hospice again.

'He'd sort of accepted the place by then,' said Linda. 'The nurses were brilliant. They talked to us and found out what would help me at home. They are marvellous because they come into your home. It is very hard caring for someone because you are homebound. So Dad came back home again and he was there for a while before he got sick again and ended back in hospice. But he was quite happy to stay. It didn't worry him if he came home or not. He had all the nurses sussed out, which was which and all the ones he liked. Everything is personal here.'

'I promised Dad that he would die at home with me and the children. Unfortunately I had to break this promise - it was out of my control. But I'd rather have him in the hospice for the simple reason that these people will care for Dad how I would want to care for him. Everyone here - all the way down to the cooks and the cleaners - have love and care and compassion. They don't say, "Oh, it's just a job." I'm sure all the nurses take a bit of their patients home with them each time. It is so wonderful having that care and compassion. Dad gets the love. My family gets the love. I even get the love here!'

Outside of the hospice, Linda believes the European society is too closed off about death.

'Okay, death is really scary. But being Jewish I've always been curious about it. We believe in kissing our dead people. Of having them laid out. And I'll wash my dad and things like that. It's a learning curve. But it seems to me that the European culture tries to ignore death.'

'It is a very hard time going through the stages preparing a loved one for death. Every family deals with that in different ways and a lot of people in society, unfortunately, are very closed off about death. It is something that people fear. It is a very difficult situation. How do you deal with death? You can make a coffee in the kitchen and talk to another family in the hospice that is going through this and every story will be different.'

A caring and compassionate woman Linda looks for the positives in the midst of great sadness. She was recently reunited with her eldest daughter who was adopted as a young girl and she is thankful that her daughter has been able to spend time with her father.

'She is his only granddaughter. I'll never forget the day he first met her. It was the last day he drove. I've never seen him drive in such a hurry to get home when he knew she was there. That was a blessing. So with every bad thing that happens with sickness, there is always something good. I like to look on both sides.'

Linda isn't sure what she would do without the support of hospice.

'If there wasn't a hospice the situation would be terrible. We'd probably be stuck in a horrible ward in a public hospital right now. And I'd be by Dad's bed 24 hours a day trying to give him proper care. There is such a need for hospices. Terminally ill patients need just as much love, just as much compassion, as any one out there - no matter how elderly or sick they might be. And the hospice does treat patients and their families with this love and compassion.'

Postscript: Raupene passed away peacefully at the North Shore Hospice surrounded by Linda and his four grandchildren. He went home to Matangirau and was buried on the Karangahape maree.