Inspirational Stories

Romance Blossoms after Tragedy

Gordon and Jean

Gordon and Jean both lost their spouses to cancer in December 1999 and their families encouraged them to take up the offer of hospice bereavement counselling. Along with nine others they attended a 12 week course. Little did they know that eventually romance was destined to blossom for both of them again.

‘My husband died on the 10 December and Gordon’s wife died on the 15 December,’ says Jean. ‘We first met at each other at the hospice counselling. We found the course extremely helpful. At the first session they ask each of you about your partner and when they died. Of course, you can hardly do it and the whole group finishes up crying because it is so raw. As the weeks go on you discuss different things. Somebody might say they have the ashes but they don’t know what to do with them. Other people might say they can’t get rid of the clothes. So we discuss these things and the counsellors guide us. It was very well done.’

‘We were all suffering – really suffering,’ says Gordon. ‘We felt very close because all of our partners had died over a very emotional time, over the Christmas/New Year period. It made us very supportive of each other.’

Both Gordon and Jean found it a very difficult time coming to terms with the deaths of their spouses.

‘Jean came out to New Zealand 38 years ago and she has a number of very good friends,’ says Gordon. ‘But in my case, Angela, my wife and I had arrived in August 1999 and she only lived three months after that. I have two daughters in New Zealand which is why we came out. We knew she had cancer – she’d had it for more than three years – but she suddenly got so much worse.’

The hospice helped Gordon and Angela during this time. A hospice nurse came and visited Angela three times a week at their daughter’s home where they were staying. On 1 December Angela collapsed and was taken to hospital to have her condition stabilized. She never regained consciousness. She died just after midnight on 15 December.

‘When she died I was totally on my own,’ said Gordon. ‘I had no house. I had no furniture. I didn’t even have a teaspoon and I had to start from scratch. That’s why I found the hospice counselling group so good. Being the sort of type that I am – retired army officer, stiff upper lip and so on – I’d never shed a tear in my life. The hospice taught me how to hug and they taught me how to cry. The hospice taught me how to live. I thought I was coping, but I don’t think I was.’

Jean’s husband Eric was ill for only a short time before he died of lung cancer.

‘Eric was only ill for seven months from being a big strapping man,’ says Jean. ‘He went into the hospice on the Monday morning. On Wednesday he had his birthday. They did a lovely tea in the hospice and we bought a cake and a bouquet of flowers for his birthday. You would have not thought there was anything wrong with him. We had a lovely family gathering. Thursday was 9 December, the day our son had died ten year before. Eric said he wanted to go to the cemetery so all the family went. He sat out on the seat. It was a bit cold so my granddaughters wrapped him up. We were all together and they all hugged and kissed him. He died in the morning. He got up, cleaned his teeth then sat in the chair and died. There was no pain. He died very peacefully. I was so pleased because that was the way he wanted to die and that gave me a lot of comfort. It was as if it was meant to be.’

Jean found it hard being on her own afterwards and admits to losing her self-confidence for a time.

‘When someone dies who has been part of your life for so long it takes a long time to get used to them not being there anymore. It is just awful. All of a sudden there is that massive gap – that big void. Although I am independent, I lost my self-confidence. I went about three weeks later to get the warrant done on my car. This is something I’ve always done. Eric never did it. But I ran out of the office because I thought I couldn’t do it on my own. I went home again and I thought how stupid!’

‘Eric was a real do-it-yourself man. He was making a gate. He was half-way through it and couldn’t do it any more. But he sat on a stool and showed me how to make it. After he died I thought what am I going to do with this? It’s not finished. I was lying in bed one Sunday morning and I decide to put that gate up myself. So I took out all his tools, and I finished it. I felt a hundred percent better afterwards.’

Many of the people who had attended the bereavement counselling still meet for lunch and other activities. Gordon was asked to pick up Jean and another lady for a concert in Takapuna some 18 months after the course. Afterwards the three of them went out for dinner.

‘I found myself sitting next to Jean,’ says Gordon. ‘I had no agenda. I had been married for 46 years and Jean had been married for 44 years. I wasn’t looking for anyone. Neither was Jean. But I did welcome the company and while we were having this meal Jean asked me what I did while I was on my own. I said to Jean, the worst thing was cooking for myself and that I tended to go out for a meal. I asked her what she did and she told me. I said maybe we could meet one evening and just have a meal together. So we arranged to meet the following Thursday at the RSA. It only took about five or six weeks and the chef was saying, ‘Here come the love birds.’ Something hit me. I’d only ever been in love with one woman in my life, but now I realised I was interested in Jean. I wanted to know more about this woman.’

‘We used to meet each Thursday for a few months,’ says Jean. ‘And then I was going to England and Gordon said, well I’m going to England too, so why don’t we go together? So we went on holiday and we had the most wonderful time. My house was still rented out for another month when we got back, so I stayed at Gordon’s house for that month. After I went back to my house and Gordon was hardly ever at his home. Then I went for a mammogram and found I had cancer. Gordon stayed with me and looked after me through all the treatments. By the time they were all done I said to him there is no point in him ever going home again! We sold our houses and bought an apartment together six months ago. We are very happy together. There is no doubt about it.’

The couple say they have many things in common. They were both born in 1933, 40 miles apart in Yorkshire. They have a very similar background, both surviving the war years as children. And they both know the heartbreak of losing their spouses to cancer.

‘I get on so well with Jean,’ says Gordon. ‘I admire everything she does. I am so glad that we met. It’s not that I couldn’t have coped on my own. I would have coped. But to have Jean in my life to share those moments that any person needs to share – like a lovely sunset – and to be with someone as a companion is wonderful. This relationship is as solid as anything you could ever get. I did the one thing I never thought I would do. I fell in love with her.’