Inspirational Stories

Keeping a sense of humour to the end

The Bufe Family

A loving wife and mother of two children, Charne Bufe died on 23 March 2006 after an eighteen-month battle with cancer. Hospice was there during her journey, enabling her to live with cancer, and later die in her own home, just as she wanted. She was 52 years old.

‘Mom discovered she had cancer in August 2004,’ said her daughter, Tamlyn. ‘It was devastating for the family. She was told she probably only had three months to live.’

Bowel cancer that had been undetected for some time had now also become secondary liver cancer.

‘She had an operation and she had the growth removed from her bowel, but they couldn’t do anything about her liver as it had gone too far. So she went on chemo as a way of prolonging her life – but we always knew from the beginning that the chemo couldn’t save her,’ said Tamlyn.

Their oncologist suggested that the family contact hospice.

‘He organised a letter so we were introduced to hospice,’ said Charne’s husband of 34 years, Brian. ‘It made it all seem very formal and confirmed to us that the illness was terminal. We didn’t know what to expect. We didn’t know what they actually did.’

The hospice contacted them with information packs that detailed the services they offered. The family was overwhelmed with the level of support and attention to detail that the hospice gave them.

‘I had no idea to what extent they could actually help,’ said Tamlyn. ‘There were so many ways they could help us. They did things like diarising the medication so Mom would remember to take it – when you get really bad on chemo you can forget. And they were available 24/7. It wasn’t like we had to go to the hospital each time something came up and sit around waiting for two hours for someone to see us. They were always just a phone call away. If Mom was in pain, they would say, “Don’t panic, it could be this, so try that.” They took us slowly through the process of caring for Mom. For example, Mom’s legs were swollen and getting worse. They suggested creams that helped and showed us how to massage her to relieve the pressure.’

‘They came every day to change the morphine pump,’ said Brian. ‘Some times they even came twice a day. They washed her; they changed her and showed us how to do this also. They supplied the bed and all the necessary equipment. They even organised for a lady to come and sit with her for a night when we got too tired. They gave the entire family an enormous amount of practical help, but they also gave us emotional support.’

‘There were some days she needed more help than other days,’ said Tamlyn. ‘But they always looked at the fine detail, how she was sleeping, how to fluff her pillow to make her more comfortable. There are better ways of doing lots of things, and they would notice all these small things and point out improvements that helped Mom. Sometimes they would come out in the middle of the night and they would stay an extra half an hour just to calm us down and make sure we were all right. They were always patient and so helpful.

‘We couldn’t have looked after Mom at home without their help. She would have had to go into hospital – and she would have hated that. Mom loved being at home in her own surroundings. The hospice made that possible.’

Brian agrees. ‘They gave us absolutely full support. Nothing was too much trouble. Even though she wasn’t at her last, they supported us months before the time she passed away.’

‘For Mom to be home was an incentive to keep fighting because she was happy at home,’ said Tamlyn. ‘It was something to hang on to. But I think if she had been in hospital she wouldn’t have had the same motivation. She was given three months by the oncologist but she lived for eighteen months. Even right to end when Mom died, that day was the hardest day you could imagine! The hospice gave us amazing support.’

Charne died at home with her family around her.

‘We now have ongoing support from hospice as far as counselling is concerned,’ says Brian. ‘On the anniversary of her death they sent me a little note to say that they were thinking about us.’

‘After Mom’s funeral we went straight up to a bach in Mangawai. It is a special place where Mom and Dad have been a few times. For the anniversary we went up there also. It is nice to get away and we just have our time, the three of us, myself, Dad and my sister Natalie.’

Since Charne’s passing, Tamlyn’s partner Andy has done fundraising for the hospice. He was going to do this as part of doing the London Marathon, but it was only a month after Charne passed away and too soon for the family.

‘Andy was in the Taupo Ironman and decided he would use this as an opportunity to raise money for hospice. Andy wanted to give something back. He did the fundraising and went to all of his contacts, from a personal network of friends, to current and old work places, through to social sport teams and to his team that he coaches for soccer. His mum and dad are now also involved in fundraising and they are raising money for hospice over in England.’

One of the things that the family remember about Charne is that she kept her sense of humour right until the end.

‘About two weeks before she died, an ex-boss rang Charne,’ said Brian. ‘She had been his PA. He asked if there was anything he could do for her. As quick as a flash she replied, “Come to think of it, the house needs a paint. When can you start?”

‘One time she had bruised herself and when the hospice nurse was here, she said “Brian’s been knocking me around!” Thankfully the nurse knew she was joking!

‘Four days before she died a nurse came and sat with her overnight. She said to the nurse, “Aren’t you bored?”’

‘The hospice definitely helped her live longer and enabled her to stay positive,’ said Tamlyn. ‘She lived every day to the full. The Christmas before she died she still had a glass of champagne. You wouldn’t even believe she was sick when you look at the photos. She didn’t look sick until February. I really can’t say enough about how the hospice helped us. We are very lucky. They gave her the dignity she deserved and wanted in her last months.’

Brian agrees with his daughter. ‘The hospice serve a vital function in society. You don’t realise until you need them, but they are an amazing asset to the community and deserve all of our support.’