Inspirational Stories

A Christmas Story

Thank you for your interest in North Shore Hospice. I can assure you that our supporters really do make a difference, and help us here to make each day the best day possible for so many of our patients and their families. Often that is a real challenge. Despite our best efforts to help families cope with watching their loved one go through the process of death, it is always hard to say goodbye no matter when they finally die. But it can be that much harder when someone loses a loved one at special times like Christmas.

For Brent Tyler-Davies, this Christmas will be a special time mixed with joy and sadness: joy to be celebrating Christmas with his beautiful two young children Lydia (6) and Emily (4), but sadness because it will be the first anniversary of the death of his beautiful wife Sonia.

Sonia was a vibrant and courageous young woman who battled cancer in the same way she had lived all her life – with a positive attitude and hope. She was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in August 2005, and eventually lost her battle to the disease two days before Christmas last year, on 23 December. Sonia was only 38 years old. Brent was grateful that Sonia was able to spend her last few days in the In Patient Unit at Hospice surrounded not only by her loving family and friends, but also the caring staff and volunteers at Hospice.

Can you imagine what it must have been like to loose your young wife just a few days before Christmas, when everyone is planning the final details of a fun filled family gathering?

Brent naturally found it to be one of the toughest times of his life. But he also told us that Hospice helped the family enormously when the time came to say goodbye, and in the months leading up to Sonia’s death.

‘At first we didn’t really know what palliative treatment actually was,’ admitted Brent. ‘But Hospice offered us a range of support services, and we took up some of their offers of help’.

Although Sonia was receiving Hospice help, Brent and the family hoped that something would come up and she might be cured. She was having vitamin C injections and other treatments that they hoped would make her better. ‘But we were really pleased to have hospice help for pain management. They did a great job sorting that out.’

When Sonia started having severe problems caused by taking the oral medication, Hospice recommended she come into the In Patient Unit for a few days so that the medical team could get her symptoms under control.

‘We took her into Hospice in November and we stayed for about five days. The rooms are fabulous. They are nice, large and quiet. It is a place you go and people look after you. You can actually enjoy it. They changed Sonia’s medication from oral to a syringe driver. After that we had quite a good month, with her symptoms under control. On her second visit they organised a room next door so we actually had two rooms.’

Once back home, Hospice nurses visited everyday to check on how Sonia was doing and to change her syringe driver. Just getting her treatment under control made a huge difference to her quality of life, and meant that Sonia could spend more time at home with her husband and children. It also meant that things were kept as normal as possible for the children.

‘It was really good from Sonia’s point of view. For one thing, it meant she had regular contact with the outside world. People were coming in and seeing how she was, and they would chat to her. It is good for your spirits to see people, even if you aren’t feeling well.’

Sonia was a huge U2 fan and had been looking forward to going to their concert when they were in New Zealand. With the help of Hospice she was able to enjoy this concert with Brent by her side.

‘Sonia had only been in Hospice the weekend before the concert. She really wanted to go. She was on the syringe driver and hospice organised a wheelchair for us. Sonia rang up the concert organisers and we got a corporate car park, so we could go straight through the front gates. All we needed to do was wheel her in. We were about five seats in from the aisle. Of course, when the concert starts, everyone stands up, but Sonia couldn’t stand as she didn’t have the energy. However, we swapped our seats with the people on the end of the aisle, so she could sit and see the whole stage clearly. It was a brilliant night!’

Brent told us how much he was impressed with the level of care from the medical professionals, both Hospice nurses and Sonia’s GP. It helped enormously especially when challenging times arose.

‘One Saturday morning Sonia suffered a liver bleed, and was in acute pain. A Hospice nurse came out twice, the second time at one o’clock in the morning! Even Sonia’s own GP came around on Sunday morning to see how she was. These experiences show how much people really care.’

Sonia started a thread on the Trade Me community message board called ‘cancer sux’ discussing issues about dealing with cancer.

‘Sonia helped a lot of people through Trade Me and with her own site. She received a lot of messages along the lines of “you saved my life by encouraging me to have a mammogram.” People would send gifts and flowers after reading the messages. She even had a woman come around offering to do her ironing’

To find the best way to explain the situation to the children and help them to understand and cope, Brent and the family met with the HospiceFamily Support team, who helped in a big way. ‘The main concern for us was how to deal with the children. Hospice offered good practical advice about how and what to say. For example, as Emily is so young she wouldn’t necessarily comprehend everything, but Lydia is a bit older and would take more on board. We tried to gently keep the girls informed about Mummy not being well. We had a big talk to them on the Friday before Sonia died.’

As a loving mother, Sonia spent time creating scrapbooks and video tapes for her two daughters before her death. ‘She didn’t get as many videos recorded as she wanted in the end, but she did manage to leave something very special for each of the girls.’

Christmas Day was naturally a difficult time for the family, so Brent is grateful that they had spread out some of the family celebrations through the previous weeks. He is very thankful for the support the Hospice provided their family during Sonia’s final months.

‘A surprising thing when you are in this situation is that their services are free. It is a relief, after going through all the expense of the medication and treatments. It is really important for people to donate to hospice so it can provide these services for when people, like Sonia and our family, need them.’

Once again, this Christmas will be one of celebrations, but also of sadness and Hospice will be there for Brent and his family, should he need us. We will also be there for all those who are not only nursing their terminally ill loved one, but also trying to make this Christmas as happy as it can be. We will go that extra mile to help ensure this Christmas, which for many will be their last, will be a very special one with memories for the family to treasure. Your financial support helps make all that possible.

If you are able to make a special donation of $25, $50, or even $100 towards our services, you will certainly be helping to make a big difference in the lives of many families who find Christmas a real challenge. Click here to donate

The Internet was a tool that Brent and the family used during Sonia’s illness to communicate news, and help and inspire others. But it also had the spin-off of showing the wonderful acts of kindness people were doing in support of Sonia. You can visit and read Sonia’s journal of having cancer at http://soniatyler-davies.co.nz or http://cancersux.co.nz